Embracing the Shadows: The Importance of Allowing Negative Emotions to Exist

Beyond Positivity: Why Some Emotions Need Space, Not Silver Linings

These last couple of months have been tough. Not the hardest season we’ve ever weathered, but challenging enough to stretch us as individuals, parents, partners and test our ability to “stay positive.” It’s been one of those years where one thing after another seems to pile on, and even the most resilient moments feel a little frayed at the edges. I suspect we aren't alone.

A few nights ago, in a moment of vulnerability, my partner asked me how he was supposed to “think positive in a time like this.” He was trying to make sense of our current reality—one that had left us both mentally overloaded and emotionally threadbare.

His question was simple: “Tell me, as a psychologist, how do I think positive right now?”

My answer was even simpler: “You don’t.”

He looked puzzled. Isn’t positive thinking the gold standard? Isn’t the silver lining always there if we squint hard enough? Aren’t we supposed to “look on the bright side of life,” as Monty Python famously sings?

Maybe you can relate. How many times have you had a rough day or an overwhelming week and told yourself to just “snap out of it”? Or maybe someone else told you to “think positive,” “focus on what you have,” or “find the silver lining.” Did it help—or did it make you feel worse?

Is positive thinking always the answer? And more importantly, is it always good for our wellbeing?

The Rise (and Misuse) of Positive Thinking

Many of us remember the hype of The Secret era and the wave of self-help messaging that promised transformation through affirmations and manifestation. This shouldn’t be confused with positive psychology, the evidence-based movement led by Martin Seligman in the late ’90s, which focused on strengths, meaning, and building what is best within us.

Positive psychology is grounded in research. It has shown that focusing on strengths, agency, and what’s within our control can support better outcomes—particularly in the face of difficult circumstances.

And of course, many of us have benefitted from cognitive reframing: the ability to shift perspective, rethink assumptions, and see situations through a different lens. It’s a powerful therapeutic tool that supports resilience, motivation, and growth.

Positive thinking can even shape the brain. Neuroplasticity research shows that positive emotions broaden our attention and open our thinking (Goleman, 2013). Stress, anxiety, or anger, on the other hand, narrow our cognitive bandwidth.

So yes—positive thinking has its place.

But that doesn’t mean it belongs everywhere.

The Pitfalls of Positive Thinking

1. Some situations deserve negative emotions

Not all emotions need fixing. Some need honouring.

Losing a job, experiencing trauma, facing infertility, living with illness, navigating grief—these aren’t situations you “bright side” your way out of. The emotions that come with them are warranted, valid, and necessary.

When we tell someone (or ourselves) to “just stay positive,” we can unintentionally shut down the very emotions that make us human.

2. When outcomes don’t happen… is our mindset to blame?

A common narrative suggests that if we don’t overcome a challenge, it’s because we didn’t “fight hard enough” or “stay positive enough.”

This is emotionally damaging—and simply untrue.

In fertility, illness, injury, and countless other hardships, positive thinking is not a cure. Suggesting otherwise places pressure and blame on people who are already suffering. As someone who experienced infertility for nearly two years, being told to “just relax” or “think positive” felt like salt in a wound.

3. Denying emotions increases distress

Think about a time you felt deeply upset—angry, sad, hurt, disappointed. Now imagine someone saying, “Be grateful,” or “Others have it worse.”

This doesn’t soothe. It shames.

Invalidation makes emotions louder, not quieter.Validation, however, helps them settle.

Imagine instead hearing:“It makes sense you feel this way. You’ve been through a lot.”That simple acknowledgment restores clarity, calm, and emotional regulation.

What Helps Instead: Real Strategies for Hard Moments

If forced positivity isn’t the answer, what can we do to support our wellbeing when life feels heavy?

1. Be mindful of unhelpful self-talk

Phrases like:

• “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

• “It could be worse.”

• “At least I…”

…may seem harmless, but they quietly invalidate your own emotional reality.

2. Identify and label the emotion

Naming emotions reduces their intensity.

• For yourself: “I am overwhelmed.”

• For others: “I can see you’re really upset.”

3. Validate the emotion

Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

• For yourself: “This situation is hard. Of course I feel this way.”

• For others: “Anyone in your position would feel the same.”

4. Give yourself space to feel

You don’t have to rush to “fix” emotions.

• For yourself: “I’m giving myself today to feel this.”

• For others: “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”

5. Practice self-kindness

Being human is not a performance. You don’t owe the world constant optimism.Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is simply be honest about how you’re feeling.

This year has reminded me—and maybe reminds you too—that life doesn’t require us to be positive all the time. It requires us to be real, compassionate, and gentle with ourselves.

As my six-year-old likes to remind me:“It’s okay to be sad.”

wellbeing #wellness #positivethinking #positivepsychology #mentalhealth #neuroplasticity #negativeemotions #emotionalintelligence #whatsonyourmind

Reference:

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence. Harper Collins. erCollins.